Cracked
by Acerbitas
Summary: Ed thinks about how he has never been able to properly protect Al, and mourns his inability. EdxAl


Author's Notes: Written for momoirousagi of livejournal, and of our dorm room, for her birthday. :)

**Cracked**

Pointy metal is not the most comfortable of beds. Cold metal presses sharply into his thigh, and Ed shifts into another just as uncomfortable position. He pillows his head under an arm, trying to ignore the icy chill that dances across his skin. Curling his hands close to his body, he rubs his fists together in an attempt to stir up some warmth. A hesitant glove sifts through Ed's hair before attempting to stretch his cloak the whole way over his body.

The cloak jumps upwards before settling into a disorganized pile. "It's okay, Al," Ed murmurs in response to a soft sound of distress. "I'll be fine." He straightens the cloak, happy now that his body heat is making the armor's temperature bearable. Shutting his eyes, he buries his face in his sleeve and attempts to fall asleep. His heart beats loudly in his ears; the desert wind sweeps across his back.

They had been traveling for a few days, but this was the first night where they could find no place to take shelter. Al had been much more distressed about the situation then Ed, which Ed found mildly amusing, considering Al wouldn't be the least affected. At the same time, it is worrisome to Ed. He would be fine, despite waking a bit cold. Al was too worried about his safety. They had come to a stop beside an abandoned wagon, its innards stripped bare. Now its skeleton rises from the sand, an abandoned kill slowly sinking into oblivion.

With a bit of a creak, Al bends his body over his brother's, his arms attempting to shield Ed from the unfriendly weather. Smiling, Ed curls an arm over Al's leg, a sigh escaping his lips.

"Will you sleep, nii-san?" Al whispers, hands pressing gently against Ed's side.

A bit of warmth ignites from the touch, and Ed tells Al he'd sleep quite well, attempting to lessen his brother's inordinate worrying.

"Okay…" Al says reluctantly, leaning over Ed's features like a persistent lapdog. If he had been flesh, his hot breathe would have ruffled Ed's hair. A useless thought, Ed knows, but somehow these wisps of regret always manage to slip into his mind. They are worse then thinking about his errors consciously, worrying about his sins endlessly. They tease him with what ifs and had beens, attacking him unaware in his most vulnerable moments. Times when he is around people, times when he is supposed to be cheerful, and times…times when he is supposed to be strong, for Al's sake.

To put on a show, to hide behind a mask, is something Ed struggles to accomplish, something he never quite gets. Every time he blunders he can feel guilt and pain curl into stony ball inside his chest. He can hear the ache in Al's voice as he begs him not to "feel bad" or to "worry about it." The way Al doesn't blame him isn't a comfort to Ed; it makes him feel worse. A whole lot worse.

Al should blame him. Al should curse him. Al should tell him that it is all his fault. Al's voice should rise and become harsh, and it should berate him, telling him he is a terrible person, and that he is not redeemable.

But Al is not like that, and Ed knows he can never be like that. His hand grips Al's thigh, and he curls himself into a tighter ball. Al can never be like that.

"It's a great idea!" Ed exclaimed, "It'll be fun, trust me." Leaping onto the first rung on the boundary fence, he managed to wave his arms into the air before latching onto the next rung.

Al bit his lip worriedly. "I don't want to make mom mad." Glancing at his toes, he shrugged. "She said we shouldn't go over the fence. She said the forest's dangerous."

"We'll be fine! I'll protect you, and besides, they just say that so we won't do it." Ed scrambled up two more rungs. "Come on, Al!" Reaching the top, he leapt off and tumbled into the grass.

"Okay…" Al said reluctantly, pudgy pink fingers knitting each other into a knot. He was frowning as he settled a foot onto the putrid wood. He made his way carefully over the fence.

Ed was already racing towards the forest, a wild grin gracing his features. Exhilaration pumping through his veins, he took in the approaching trees with uncontained glee.

"Nii-san, wait!" Al's panicked shouts barely reached his brother's ears. "Nii-san, you're going too fast!" His feet pounded against the ground as he struggled to keep pace.

Stopping as the trees began to thicken, Ed glanced back at his gasping brother and grinned. He stuck is foot above a low branch and hugged the next bow up, clinging to it as he kicked his feet up on top of it.

"Don't leave me down here!" Al's dirty hands dug into his shirt. "I'm scared. You know I don't know how to climb!" Dancing in agitation, he shivered a bit and glanced nervously around him. His gaze caught the fence and held it, a hopeful symbol of survival.

"It's cause you're afraid that you can't," Ed called back, halfway up the tree. "I bet I can see our house from here. Come on, try it, Al." He waved a thumbs-up signal from his precarious position.

"I want to be in our house, nii-san!" Lip quivering, Al felt his nervous jittering increase. "What if a bear comes? I don't like bears. Mom said that dad once—"

Ed dug his fingernails deep into the wood, and he kicked his feet particularly hard to get to the next branch. Gritting his teeth, he squeezed his eyes shut and yelled, "Dad's stupid anyway!" He panted a bit and eased his hands off his newest perch, slowly rising into an upright stance of victory. "Look Al, I did it!" Daringly he stretched his hands to the sky.

"Nii-san, please hold onto something!" Al's voice quivered with panic, and his fingers twisted in the air. His eyes were teary as he chanted desperately, "Don't fall, don't fall, don't fall, don't—"

"I'm not gonna fall!" Frowning for a second, he felt regret seep through his body. "Don't worry!" he called down.

Reaching up to the next branch, he pulled back in shock as his hand fumbled over something smooth. "Oh—"

A small bird's nest struck him on the shoulder before plummeting to the ground.

Al froze. Liquid seeped ominously from a cracked eggshell, dripping down into crushed twigs. For a second, time broke. Then Al raced towards the disaster, fingers pressing desperately against the egg from every side. Rocking back and forth as its innards gushed onto his fingers, a small sob escaped his lips. "Nii-san…you broke it…" he whispered. "The bird's baby is broken! You broke it…it's broken…" Rubbing his dripping hands over his eyes, he felt his shoulders begin to shake. "Poor bird…" Tears dribbled down his cheeks and he sniffled, reaching a shaky hand towards the carnage.

Jumping from his last foothold, Ed stood powerless over his brother, biting his teeth deep into his lip. "Al, Al…I'm sorry…I…" He knelt down and put a hand on Al's shoulder. "I should have…I'm sorry…"

"Poor bird," Al repeated, shoulder shying away from the touch. "You broke it."

Ed shifts uneasily at the memory of his brother's grief-stricken face. It has always been like that, over and over again. Moments of over-confidence filled Ed's chest with recklessness, yet crumbled as soon as he erred, leading him down a dark road of self-hate and despair. If he suffers, Ed thinks, he gets what he deserves, but Al, Al didn't deserve anything that had happened to him. Always, it is Ed that led Al forward—into disaster.

Selfishly Ed clings to Al, trying to atone but failing, begging for forgiveness with sunny promises that always seem to fall through. But somehow Al believes everything Ed says, trusting in all the good things he sees in his brother that Ed can't see. Ed doesn't understand why Al stays, doesn't understand why Al still allows Ed to lay in his lap, protected under a faithful ceiling of iron. Perhaps it is merely to get his body back, perhaps it has nothing to do with Ed himself, only with his useless promises.

Ed often thinks this, lying awake at night, fear and regret keeping sleep from settling on his eyelashes. His bed always feels hard and alien, because even it doesn't want him close to it. Perhaps Al doesn't really like him at all, perhaps it's just because Al's so nice, perhaps it's just because Al doesn't want to hurt him, to hurt anyone.

But sometimes, in the dead of night when he is turns around once again, sleepless, Al is sitting on the bed next to him. Al turns his head away, embarrassed, but Ed…Ed manages to smile.

"I'm going to protect you from all the bears this time," Ed whispers, clutching Al's hand in his. When he closes his eyes, he can feel his body hesitantly unwinding.

"What?" Al asks.

"Never mind."

This night, out there in the middle of the desert, Ed can sleep.


End file.
